Stable, Steady, and Disengaged

The day I learned how to stop being vulnerable, all the lights went out. The lights went out, and I became a grown up, and grown ups can function in the dark. In the dark, there are no distractions. Yet, it is not easy to operate in the dark. It takes time to adapt to the new mode of vision, to function in the absence of light and warmth, to get used to what everything is like when it isn’t blurred out by the presence of emotions. It takes time to drill it into my system that I need the darkness, that I need the confinement to control my infinite mess, and to prevent external messes from merging with mine. I remind myself of all the instances where keeping the windows open and the sunshine streaming into my world also brought dust and sticks and stones. I trace the bruises, the faint blueprint of bitter memories. I relive all my storms until I learn the lesson, and I learn to keep the windows shut.

After that, everything is easier. I can breathe despite the dust outside, I can dance because I don’t see any onlookers, I can sink into the depths of my closet and no one would even notice. I am detached –no, I am stable, I am steady, I am a mountain that the climate cannot weather.

And yet, despite all the measures I take, I am not as shut off as I thought I were. You slip in through some crack, perhaps the space under the door, perhaps the sliver of a crack in the corner of my window. You slip in. And in my surprise, in the flurry of confusion, in the eye of the storm that dishevels my meticulous routine, I reinforce all the entry ways before I remember to send you out. And then there is your essence all up in my corner, clouding up my workspace. And I breathe you in.

The change in my atmosphere forms a knot in my chest, presses against my lungs, and the ever so natural habit of breathing becomes a mechanical process that I have to control and command. But then again, I would rather you were a knot in my chest than a blindfold around my eyes, or even worse, an everlasting thought lodged in my brain, running in a circuit up my neurons until I’m all frayed out. I can navigate my space with a hitch in my breath. But what am I without my brain, my sensibilities? How can I do anything with a deeper hue of darkness?

So I limit you. I barricade you. And I take a deep breath, and let you out slowly, gradually, until I’m flat, until I’m blue, until I’m rougher around the edges and emptier on the inside.

January Wrap Up

Hey everyone! I do realise that it has been a while, and I will not bore you with all the reasons as to why I haven’t written about books for a while. But I have an idea which I hope will work with my insane schedule. Since I’m on winter break, there’s no time like the present to kick this off.

Although I had exams throughout January, my reading productivity seemed to peak during it. And in fact, I performed best on the exams that I was reading a lot while preparing for, so I’m very happy about that. Anyway, here’s a post to sum up all the things I’ve read during my busy January.

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#OutsideYourComfortZone Challenge

Hey everyone! So this year, I’m participating in multiple challenges that I’ve set for myself. But I’m also doing Book Riot’s Read Harder challenge, and have been taking inspiration from the Rory Gilmore reading challenge. But this challenge seems very interesting as it aims to make me dig for beauty in genres I normally alienate. And since I used to be a book snob until a few years ago, this is important to me.

I found this challenge through the videos of the following Booktubers. Check out their videos to find out more about this challenge.

The  Hermit’s Progress || Marie Berg

 So my genres are:

 Sci-fi ||  Fantasy || Romance || Crime|| Science

For sci-fi and romance, I’d like to read Outlander. I did watch the first series and really enjoyed it.

For fantasy, I have a few books in mind:

  • -Northern Lights by Phillip Pullman 
  • -The Hobbit by J.R. Tolkien
  • -Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb

As for crime, I’d like to read one of the Robert Galbraith/ J.K. Rowling books.

For science nonfiction, I plan to read the Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks. 

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