Ever since November, after NanoWriMo was done for, I have been struggling to write. I stare at the 17 chapters I’ve written over the June and November Nano’s, and I feel that, despite all the nearly ready written material I have, I cannot publish anything beyond the fifth chapter.
Which is what always worries me about joining NanoWriMo. I feel like it squeezes all the muse out of me, and I have to spend several months in recuperation, trying my best to sew together whichever pieces of it that remain until it starts regenerating.
That’s how my writer’s block started .I felt that I haven’t what it takes to edit everything and slip in all the details that should make the different parts of the story interlace. Then, I somehow convinced myself that none of it is good to begin with –that it isn’t that original of an idea, that it isn’t written really well, that it doesn’t even have a proper, clear ending in my head. And so, over the course of a month and nearly a half, I lost all interest in my 80,000+ words story.
It isn’t just that though. Ever since November, we’ve been prepping for the final exams at school. I have my SATs scheduled for January. I’ve started a bleeding blog –this bleeding blog– about books and began reading and reviewing books in order to avoid working on my own story. I tried to convince myself that once the clock strikes past 12 and we enter 2013 that I’ll try my darn best to get as much as I could get written during those first 24 hours. That I’ll get back to reviewing the stories of my fellow friends and authors. Instead, I sat in front of my computer feeling uninspired and I started reading the Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight. And it went on.
Yet, today as I was trying to wrap my head around derivatives and other Calculus concepts, I found myself yearning for my characters. I opened the document –well, one of the documents– that I’d created for November’s Nano, the very same way I’ve done a couple of times over the past month. This never worked well enough for me to feel driven again. But today, I read a chapter that I haven’t read in quite a while, and it moved me so much that I teared up. It was one important chapter, one of those that make the peak of the plot, and I felt that it was actually good. I felt that this chapter is worth being published. Problem? Well, it’s like chapter 15 or something of the sort so I still have a long way to reach it.
But at least now I want to write. I want to make more chapters like this one.
By next Friday, I shall let you know if I keep to this promise.